


I could have been married by now.

by ItFeelsLikeTheEnd



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Fix-It, Insecurity, Loneliness, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Memories, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-06-13 00:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15352428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItFeelsLikeTheEnd/pseuds/ItFeelsLikeTheEnd
Summary: On screen we can see how Jude is dealing after the “break up” with Zero.Here we can dig into Zero’s feelings about that.





	1. I wanna get so drunk I never remember you again.

**Author's Note:**

> That’s something I’ve written by impulse.  
>  I love Zude. A lot. I’m pathological and I know it.  
>  When I saw the scene at the bar, in which Lionel was comforting Jude, I thought “Who’s helping Zero? He has no one” so I wanted to give a prospective of what his reaction may be, according to my point of view. The point of view of a Zude lover who still thinks that someday Zero will appear in season 4. The point of view of a Zude lover that knows it won’t happen. The point of view of a Zude lover who knows it and knows yet how much she’ll cry at the end of the season, keep repeating herself “Why???”.  
>  I’m a little bit of a psycho, I know, but I’m not dangerous!

I could have been married by now. That’s what I keep repeating myself. I’m telling that right now too. Now that I’m drinking too many beers on my new expensive couch, in my new opulent house, in my new fancy city. I’m on top of the world, going back to the “old” bad boy imagine has brought me even more millions, I rule this town. But I feel so empty, like I’ve never felt before.

I could have been married by now.

I’m on this luxurious couch and all I can think about is the one we’ve chosen for the new house, which was very functional and simple, just like my man wanted. Well, just like my ex wanted. Whatever, just like Jude wanted. No, just like my Jude wanted. But he’s not mine.  
I’m missing the crappy couch he had at his old apartment too. It wasn’t very comfortable, but there was a beautiful view. You could easily see my uniform. And if you were lucky enough, you could see a beautiful brunette fidgeting and walking in circles, looking for his keys and most of the time they were in my pocket, so that he has to pay to have them back. And I wanted a kiss as payment. I’ve never felt so rich as I was at that time. I’ve never felt so poor the way I am now.

I could have been married by now.

I’m the captain of the team, I score a good 90% of the points, my teammates love me, the crowd loves me, the dancers love me. Everyone wants a piece of me. I act like I care, like I’m happy, like it’s what I want. And I really want someone who takes pieces of me. I won’t ever give anything mine to anyone. But there is someone who can take it all, whenever they want. Whatever they want. Whatever he wants. He can... He could... No, he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. For everyone I’m just a cover, but for him I’m an open book. But the fact that he can read doesn’t mean that he has to traslate all the shit there are written on it.

I could have been married by now.

Jude Kinkade is perfection. Jude Kinkade is the most precious human being in the entire world. Jude Kinkade is so beautiful, I mean, how is it possible? He’s so tall, so well-built, he has such soft brunette hair, and his eyes!? Have you ever seen a most stunning color? And his smile, so sweet and innocent, so naive. Those big hands, big muscles that held me so strongly are like perfection. But when you get to know him, like, for real, you discover such an amazing soul, a caring heart and a smart brain that you can start a never ending fight with your mind, trying to figure it out if he’s more handsome outside or inside. And trust me, you can do whatever you want, but you’ll never find a solution for this conflict. That’s why every time I saw him, my knees were shaking. And they still do. But now only at his memories.

I could have been married by now.

I drink a sip of my beer and I can hear his voice “Do not waste yourself before the game, don’t make me be the annoying EVP”. But no one is telling me that. This beer is too bitter. I think I miss the feeling of something sweet on my lips. Even sugar is not enough, because all I need is the taste of Jude’s lips. I’ve searched for those lips everywhere, I know I could go on for ages kissing half of the planet, but I’ll never taste anything like that.

I could have been married by now.

I’m here on this couch alone, but I think about you. I love you Jude. I could have been married by now. You proposed to me and I said no with my voice. But my heart was screaming “Yes Jude Kinkade, I will marry you, don’t let me go”. I love you Jude Kinkade. I didn’t want to say “No”, but I couldn’t allow myself to ruin the most amazing creature in the world with my dirt baggage. I said “No”, but I love you.

I could have been married by now. And I am. With you. I’m not wearing your gorgeous ring, but I feel like I’m your husband. I will always take care of you, Jude.

I will find the courage to tell you that I’ve said “No” because you are too much compared to me. I don’t know if it’s the booze or the adrenaline from the game, but I’m sure that I will find the braveness to tell you “Yes”. Or better, I’ll ask you. 

I could have been married by now and I will, we will. Wait for me, my love. I will always love you.


	2. Why can’t I just be a trophy wife?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zero finds out that Jude is the new owner of the team.

I could have been married by now.

But I’m trying not to think about it every second of my life, because this thought would destroy me and it would make me incapable to solve all my issues and go back to my man forever. That’s why I’ve decided to turn on the tv to hear some sport news. What a bad idea. Or good. Or terrible.  
I’ve turned it on and the first thing I saw was a beautiful sight, like, you know, the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.  
Is it possible to fall in love at first sight with the same person 300 times a day? I guess so.  
After a couple of minutes my ears have started to work again and I could hear again. Owner of the Devils? Maybe they aren’t still working.

I could have been married by now.

Not only that; I could have been married to the youngest owner of a team. He’s so brilliant, smart, intelligent, loyal, passionate that it didn’t really shock me. I mean, I could have easily pictured him in that position, that’s why I’m not shocked. I’ve always known he would have ended up in that position sooner or later. But I didn’t expect that to be so quick. It has never happened, but, c’mon, we are talking about Jude Kindake, my Jude Kinkade, my Jude and he can do everything, anything. I’m so proud of him!

I could have been married by now.

How many more jokes about me being his trophy wife? And I’d surely still be a Devil, so it would make him even more powerful than before. He was my boss when he was EVP. Now he’d own me. I would tease him every minute, sneaking into his huge office, asking for a raise with sexual jokes and I would have seen his cheeks getting redder and redder. Oh, how beautiful he is when he blushes just like a little boy, with that goofy smile that makes me want to inhale all the air he has in his lungs with a long, devouring kiss. How beautiful he is. How beautiful he was. He is.  
He would own me. But he does it anyway. It’s not a Devil’s document. It’s not a marriage document. But he owns me. I belong to him. We belong together. Does he belong to me?  
I don’t have a ring, but I’m his, completely. Is it the same for him too? It is.

I could have been married by now.

Again, I’m here on my couch, I turn on the tv and it’s still him all over the screen. I’m happy to see him. God, he is so beautiful. And I have to admit, I love when he pouts. I think he’s even cuter. But I love when he pouts trying to convince me to order some pizza instead of glamorous sushi, or to go to the mountain instead of the beach. Not when he pouts because he’s in the middle of a trouble.  
I’ve never disliked him so much. Derek Roman. What the hell is wrong with him? He’s back to L.A. to do what? Punching an ex teammate? What the hell is wrong with him? And now they are all against my man, they reach for him, they want to interview him. For love’s sake, let him breath! I would like to be there, to punch them all. How dare they get so close to him? They aren’t worth standing so close to him.   
I would like to ride a white horse, get into that arena like his charming prince, like his shining knight and save him from that annoying people. But I couldn’t. I can’t.

I could have been married by now.

I would have been by his side, holding his hand, our rings touching themselves. I would have listened to all his doubts and tried to comfort him, telling him how good he was. But I can’t. Because I’m far away. Because we are not together. Because I’m alone and far away. He too. But my heart is next to his. My soul is next to his. I hope he can hear me. “You rock, Jude Kinkade”. We rock, Jude Kinkade.

I could have been married by now. And I still think I am. With you. I’m not holding your hand, but I feel your warmth in mine. I will always hold your hand, Jude.

I will find the courage to tell you that I’ve said “No” because I couldn’t accept you being with me, while I was still full of a mess. But I’ll fix and then I’ll propose to you. 

I could have been married by now and I will, we will. Wait for me, my love. I will always love you.


	3. You didn’t just break my heart; you broke our future.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zero finds out about Noah.

I could have been married by now.

I would have held his hand. His hand would have shaken because it was his first time as the owner. First time as the owner and his team is running for the championship! This is so right for him, I would have never doubted it. He’s so good at everything he does, so it’s normal for him to take the team and make it shine. Who knows, I could have been the captain of my husband’s team and we would have achieved the highest level of “King and King of L.A.”. But we haven’t. Well, I didn’t.

I could have been married by now.

I know Jude better than anyone else in the world, that’s why I know better than anyone else in the world how precious he is.  
He’s handsome, of course. I would like to say that “anyone can see that”, but it’s not. Because I don’t know what’s wrong with the world, but for some unknown reason, he looks invisible to the majority of the eyes. That’s why almost nobody sees his beauty.  
But it’s not only about his body. His soul is so magnetic. It’s like a whole amazing land that reflects itself in his eyes. That’s why they shine so bright. His heart is so pure and genuine that it’s so much better than a child’s one. His mind is so brilliant that I’d spend days listening to him.  
That’s probably the reason why he has brought his team where it is now, after only a few months since he has got this new role.

I could have been married by now.

He’s cheering, celebrating the winning. Oh my God, look at him, how beautiful is he when he smiles? He’s lighting the whole Arena - the whole room.  
He’s getting interviewed and he’s handling it like a pro, even if it clear that he’s so emotionally involved in what is happening.   
His eyes are shining, he’s genuinely happy and this makes me so happy that I can’t breathe.  
But there’s an end. And the end is so similar to the beginning. What an irony.   
He’s kissing someone else.

I could have been married by now.

It all started with a kiss. Well, actually, with three kisses.  
The first one was the one in the limo. My lips has been touched by his for the first time. My lips has touched heaven for the first time. With this kiss, he told me that he liked me.  
The second one was the one at his old apartment. It allowed him to get that I liked him back. Ohhhh and everything as happened later has showed him how much I liked him. Still, it wasn’t enough.  
The third one was the one on the court. I have shown the world who I was. I’ve shown Jude how much I loved him and that I wasn’t ashamed of being who I was or about being with him.  
We have shared so many other significant kisses. All our kisses were important.  
And now a kiss is tearing us apart.

I could have been married by now.

I know Jude, how special he is. I’ve always hated the fact that no one was able to see that. But it doesn’t mean he wasn’t. It was a matter of time before someone else would have notice the great man I love. What was I thinking!? That he would have waited for me for ages? That no one would have ever tried to get into his pants? How disillusioned I was? Come on. I feel so stupid right now. I was with the greatest person in the world and I let him go.  
Who’s this guy? He’s not bad looking, but come on, have you seen me? He can’t go from someone like me to someone like him. My Jude deserves so much better.   
What am I talking about? About look and appearance? My Jude is not like that. It freaks me out because it means that this guy is entering into his walls. I’ve always thought no one else in the would would have had that privilege. Instead... Oh Lord, no no no!!!! I can’t lose him like that, like, for real.

I could have been married by now. But I’m so stupid and I’ve destroyed the only good thing in my life, you. Do you want to know the best part of it? That I still think I am. With you. Someone else is holding your hand, but I feel your warmth in mine. I’m the one who will always hold your hand, Jude.

I will find the courage to come back and get back to you. I’ll fix and then I’ll propose to you. I’ll wait for your answer forever.

I could have been married by now and I will, we will. Wait for me, my love. I will always love you.   
Please, don’t fall for him. I don’t know how I could survive without you. I barely breath.

See you soon, husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many of you already know, I’m a huge Zude fan. I’m not “against” Noah’s character, but I don’t feel like he belongs to Jude and vice versa.  
> At the end of the day, I’ll keep thinking that Jude and Zero will end up together. If they won’t, the end of HTF to me will always be 3x11 (and not only for their storyline).


End file.
